Disclaimer: You need to read till the very end to make something out of this blog entry, judging by reading the first two lines won’t help you.
A late night conversation on dating app
Last Saturday, I was using the gay-dating app, the ever popular and instant gratification provider, Grindr. I was bone-tired but after a long day, I just wanted to ‘see,’ if-there’s-anyone-new-around.
There’s no mediocre way, at least for me, using this app; nor do I claim, “I don’t use it” or “Not very active there” like many other fancy gay(s) or bi(s) in the community. I either don’t use it or make the most of it! (Wink! Wink! Wink!)
So, I happen to chat with one fancy guy and I didn’t realise that it’s 3 in the morning. Actually, I did and I tried to push the conversation to meet it’s end soon but we’re so hooked chatting with each other and sharing incidents of our personal lives that we happen to continue even after wishing ‘Good Night!’ several times.
We definitely discussed our ‘plans-for-tomorrow’ and I had to attend this ‘Conversations With Books’ meet which I attend, when I can, at Innov8, Connaught Place, Delhi. I forget that at any point in time during our conversation, I communicated this to him; he asked where is this book fair. I corrected him and said, “it’s a book meet!” The guy noted the time and place and said, “Look for a guy in white T-shirt.”
Yes, that’s what he said, “Look for a guy in white T-shirt.”
|“Look for a guy in white T-shirt,” he said.
The guy promised me to meet. We didn’t exchange numbers on the app. I’m not afraid to hide my identity or contact details. But I don’t expect everyone to be that open as well. I understand that people are more sensitive and concerned while sharing their contact details.
But the case here was different. I am not using this app for a long time, it’s been a few months when I learned about this app and started using it. And, all this while, I’ve noticed and closely observed that people practising a particular faith with whom I interacted happened to freak out at the thought of sharing their contacts.
Note: It’s not an insensitive statement. It’s an observation. I happen to love and uphold rights of any and everyone who choose to perform their sexuality as they desire. But not accepting that you’re scared, actually thinking that you’re bold enough to accept yourself as you are which you’re not doing; scared to be vocal or be brave, this is hypocrisy, all I can say.
I told him this. Yes, I told him that there have been times that I happen to converse with people of your faith and every single time, the conversation happened at night time, usually after 1 or 1:30 AM. It continued and always there was a promise to meet tomorrow at a particular place. Nothing ever happened, of course. And, every single time, I was aware nothing is going to happen. It always used to amuse me.
And, it did this time as well.
The guy said that he will prove me wrong. He is discreet but he will come to meet me. Great! I thought.
“Jo apni baat ka nahi apne baap ka nahi!” (One who’s not a man of his words, he’s not one of his father’s as well) I find to use this popular Hindi idiom appropriate here.
So, the guy said that he will turn up next day i.e. Sunday.
At Innov8, CP.
Time: 6 PM
Sunday – At the book meet
I reached the venue at 6:30 PM.
While I was in the metro reading No Outlaws in the Gender Galaxy
, I wondered if he actually turned up on time to find no one there and left. I popped out my phone and check the app to find his messages but none.
I thought to message but didn’t. Once I was there, I opened the app and left a message, “You didn’t come?”
The moment I dropped the message. There enters a guy in white T-shirt!
I’ve seen pictures of our hero on the app. But I thought he’s a little different. Although, there were a lot of similarities. Height, color complexion, and most importantly, the ‘white T-shirt’. Then I consoled myself, “Too many of them don’t share their own pictures. No issues.”
During the conversations, while we were discussing books and other things related to books, our eyes meet. I actually looked at him expressing that I’m actually blown over by his cuteness and, “Man! You came.”
When the event was over, he introduced himself to me as, “S_.”
Oh, okay, you’re not him!
|When Z_ became S_
The person with whom I interacted was “Z_.” Now, I got S_.
Nothing was same except the white T-shirt. It kept its promise, white T-shirt but the guy didn’t.
And, I was happy. Laughing at myself confusing this gentleman with that fucktard.
Conversations with S_
I’d have kissed him.
I cannot describe how irresistible I felt while looking at him. And, I really don’t know if I’m mixing lust and love here. Because after conversing with him for almost an hour (probably more) and taking a few rounds of Connaught Place’s inner circle, I actually fell for him.
He’s straight. Smart, sensible, working on his own start-up which I know for sure will do good in future.
We shared our professional experiences. And, high-five(d) at our first job resignation experience.
Then we shared a few things in common, in experiences and one of the most cherishing was this: Both of us have been saved by books in our tough times.
Yes, that’s the thing which was ‘Awe’ and ‘connection’ moment for me.
I know for sure that nothing will culminate and all this will remain a fancy for me, to find a guy-just-like-him. Or to be with him.
This would probably be the first time when I’m confessing my love and adoration for someone whom I’ve met only once and felt this strongly about him. It’s like stripping naked, to be honest.
But I don’t mind. It’s summers anyway!
And, I’m thinking…
There is nothing which is actually striking me at this moment more than this line by Z_, “I really don’t wish to discuss a lot of my private life with a writer. Maybe, it will act as a material for you for your next blog.”
Z_, if you’d have known that for a writer (or for any artist) the experiences of daily life are his/her/hir experiences which he/she/ze articulates in their work.
It’s how I express whatever I want to express. In no way, I have used any sensitive detail about anyone. But in every way, I’m the one who is sharing this private feeling. It’s the writer (or artist) who is stripping naked while writing (or working on his piece); our work is a collection or a chronicling of our interaction and negotiation with our inner self and society.
I have nothing to say except that in a long time, I’ve actually felt for someone in a way I used to for someone earlier.
I will be looking for you, my guy in white T-shirt.